Welcome to my unfinished life!! My life has been a continuous series of unfinished projects, hobbies and interests that, well, I lost interest in. Road biking, guitar lessons, surfing, and yes, even tap dancing lessons. Similar to the Island of Misfit Toys, we refer to the garage as the Island of Lorie's Abandoned Endeavors. My hope is to learn to follow-thru a bit more on things, until I become at least proficient in something rather than mediocre at lots of things. Please join me on my journey as I try some new tricks and maybe pick up some old ones as well. I will blog about my travails and post some old stories of my prior mishaps as well. This includes abandoned boyfriends I lost interest in. My husband is lucky - he and the lazy cats are about the only thing I have managed to keep around!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


We have all had one.  The friend, the confidant that you have been pretty good friends with for a couple years.  You notice that she tends to gossip about others, and has a difficult time getting along with other females, especially her in-laws, but you like her, and she's fun and likes to drink wine. While not being a long-term friend like your old roommates or your sisters, she has potential.  Perhaps you met her at work.  Maybe you both started right about the same time and felt something in common.

Usually this person is someone that you introduced to your circle of friends.  She is funny and charming and fits right in, and you are pleased with yourself for introducing this witty, urbane person to your group of friends and them instantly clicking.  She is invited to your parties.  Before you know it, she is in the circle of friends. 

Then it starts.  She makes fun of some of your friends, and has her "own" friends.  You feel a change.  Your status is not the same.  She joins a work clique, and they have "friend's night".  You find out she has hosted a friend's night and you were not invited.  When you ask why, you are made to feel like you are weird, because the clique was formed before you started there, and she was asked to join, not you.  She couldn't invite someone that wasn't part of the "friends", right?  These are people you know and have had at your house for many occasions.  You cannot help but wonder "did she say something to them that is keeping me from being invited?"  You feel paranoid, and try to keep a brave face and not let it get to you. 

You see on Facebook that she has contacted one of your old friends that you have known for almost 20 years, who she met at your house a few times when the friend was visiting, trying to make plans that don't include you.  When you are chatting with this friend, she jumps in and wants to "get together" and when you respond "when?" she never responds.  She just wants to see if you would go, but she has no intention of issuing an invite.  She wants to make her rejection of you public.

She e-mails you, but only to borrow things or to see if you have any magazines, because she will not pay for her own, having pilfered yours for free for years.  She shamelessly borrows books and Halloween costume accessories while never returning them.  When you question their whereabouts, you are made to feel cheap for asking for them back.  You have confided in this friend some of your most intermost thoughts and you feel them being turned against you in conversation.  Compliments do not come except in a backhanded manner.  When you point out your good qualities in your horoscope profile, she points to the bad stuff and says "I think of you more like this".  You feel the dynamic of the friendship shifting, not in your favor.  You do things to try to please frenemy, like buy her lunch or take her to the movies.  These are never reciprocated.  You are scared of her, because you realize this is not someone you want on your bad side.

Then someone tells you something that she said about you.  Someone who cares about you and was worried about what she was saying.  Something so horrible and shaming that you cannot believe it and when you confront her she turns it around so that you are the bad guy because "how could you believe I would ever say that?  She was lying!!"  And she rants for days about how this person is a liar and a horrible person and you start to realize that she is protesting too much, and not because you are devasted by the comment, which she could give two shits about, but she is pissed because she got caught.  She accuses you of "disloyalty" when you suggest the person had no reason to lie.  Then you get the e-mail telling you she can not longer be your friend, because your friendship has been "compromised".  She spreads rumors in your workplace that you have "issues". 

This is not just a female thing.  Anyone who has read Othello knows that "bromances" can become quite complicated as well when you are dealing with someone whose creative energy is devoted to the destruction of others.  It is so systematic and it usually coincides with good things happening in your life, such as career success, or maybe a really happy marriage, which frenemy has neither.  Be careful of these people.  When you start to feel the shift, adjust your relationship before too much damage is done.  These people don't have much going for them, and destroying people is fun for them.  It usually comes back to bite them, but not before they hurt you.  I say justice cannot be served soon enough, but it will not be at my hand.  It will be by their own frenemy, and I hope she is a real bitch. 


  1. Ouch! That has to hurt big time. Our world is full of evil people who thrive on causing pain to be the most important person ever to walk this earth. They manage that by being charming and delightful until they have gotten whatever you have that they can take.
    I have known some of these people, but never been friends with one. Lucky me, for sure.
    You are better suited to handle the next one of these that crosses your path.
    Very therapeutic blog...hope it helped you some.

  2. Yes, Jo, they are out there. This person was a mean girl in the truest sense of the word. I should have known better - she was always at odds with some other woman in the office and expecting me to sever my friendship with that person. I no longer seek validation through other people like I used to in my old work life and it has been extremely liberating. I wanted to share this because I know there are others out there that have had one of these so-called friends cross their path. Trust me, I am in the much better place...:)

  3. Yes -- I quite know this type. I knew one where I worked--but I wasn't the friend she latched onto--it was another one of my friends and I watched her get sucked in. I felt so helpless to help my friend that was lured in by her frienemy. I tried to gently tell my friend to be careful...but the two sided and all of a sudden I was the bad guy. For a little while.

    Then I had to let my friend get hurt. Luckily during this time, I was promoted as manager--as the frienemy made her "shift" as you say...she would come in my office and want to "confide" in me which was actually negative gossip about this used her friend as it supposedly related to the job. Unfortunately for frienemy--the friends numbers were way up in productivity and frienemy's was way down. HMMMM.

    VERY luckily, I was in a position to confront it. I pulled them both into my office and addressed the frienemy's "concerns" with the friend present and I had a HR person in the office with us...to keep the neutrality.
    Frienemy never returned to work the next day--we were all "surprised" but not really. Apparently, she didn't like her faults being addressed. And we ended up having a much happier workplace until the psycho turned up!

    Okay--sorry for such a long share--your post just brought back that memory!! Cheers, Jenn

  4. Frienemy's have come and gone throughtout my life. Now, I'm retired and stay at home, so I'm finding lots of frienemys on the internet. The frienemys are everywhere!

  5. Jo, frenemies hate getting caught!! I was always caught in the middle of some drama she was having with someone. I still talk to her once in awhile, but keep my distance. Sorry you had to endure an office psycho. Have had a few of those cross my path, too:)

    Darlene, I have made a few internet frenenies (trolls), but I learned a long time ago - DON'T FEED THE TROLLS!! They go away after awhile ;)

  6. I think we've all met people like this. In the end, they are their own worst enemies - and will be friendless as everyone learns to avoid them.

  7. Yes, Paula, I believe that, too. I hated to write this, because I on some level I felt it was cruel, but that is because I am the perfect victim for a person like this. Too naive to see what is going on in plain sight, not able to believe that someone is capable of marginalizing people in their lives, or compartmentalizing. Everyone in my life shares equal status, and I have never excluded anyone - as a matter of fact, I always identify with the underdog and I always will - being one, I know we make loyal friends :)

  8. I hate people like that, and there are way to many of those kind of people out walking around just waiting to suck a person in! Great blog!


  9. Thanks, Kathy - it's because they have nothing going for them and want to take away your most precious asset - your self-worth.

  10. I've definitely seen what you describe, both in real life and online. These people are usually charismatic enough to gain some friendships, but in the end, their true colors always show themselves. Sadly, there are always unsuspecting people left injured in their wake, while the frienemies simply move on to find new people to mislead and hurt.

    Steering clear of them is really the only way to go.

  11. I can see them coming a mile ahead now! It should be a dead giveaway that they go through friends like paper towels - always a new roll on the spool every year!!

  12. Yeah, I had a frenemy in high school. That experience taught me a lot! Great post.

  13. Oh, my gosh, Lorie! I just wrote and posted my blog a few minutes ago..I posted before I read yours and mine and your blog are completely different and so the same! I have lived your blog and I absolutely love it and thank you for writing it. I had so much of this stuff going on when I lived in Morgan Hill. I tried so hard to keep up with the "Jones's." I always thought I was 'making the cut,' only to find out in the long run...I wasted a lot of money and effort throwing down some kick-butt dinner parties. My good intentions were hardly returned and that's okay. I'll settle for several good "real" friends, rather than a phony group of smiles. Just loved this writing! ;)

  14. Thanks, Linda!! I have some very good friends, and I have found that putting some distance between yourself and the people you "think" are your friends will expose exactly who your real friends are. And me, too!! I use to have tons of dinner parties, and girls nights and spent a ton of money on wine and food - until I found out about "friend's night", that I was not a party to. Whatever. That group disbanded and I saw a bunch of them recently and they fell all over themselves to be nice to me because I IGNORED them after that. Funny how that works :)